To Feel More Fully

Here we are, once again nearing the turn of the year. Whether we shrink from it, gallop eagerly forward, or stand still in impartiality, the threshold between this year and the next approaches us as surely as the darkness at the end of each day or the dawn after each night.

I am reminded of something the late great Irish philosopher and poet John O’Donohue said about thresholds: “[I]f you go back to the etymology of the word ‘threshold,’ it comes from ‘threshing,’ which is to separate the grain from the husk. So the threshold, in a way, is a place where you move into more critical and challenging and worthy fullness.”

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More critical and challenging and worthy fullness. Good lord, doesn’t that sound beautiful? Doen’t that just reek of exactly that which is most needed in this world today? So many of us seem to be moving at a pace that actually dilutes our sense of being. We function as shreds of ourselves as we rush from one “doing” to the next.

I see the impact of this rush in myself. As my daughter and I spend the afternoon together, I move from cleaning to cooking to folding clothes, occasionally glancing at my phone. “Mama, playdough!” she says. “Mama, mama! Quesadilla!” And she trots around the corner, a huge beam on her face, proudly holding a plate on which she has perched a blob of playdough that she painstakingly flattened with her little, soft hands.

And I almost miss it. I’m almost so busy feeding the woodstove that I don’t take the time to turn towards her. Assuredly, there have been many moments where I have missed her invitation, have stayed in the busyness at hand rather than turning towards my bright, beautiful daughter as she seeks connection.

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Turning towards connection. Another phrase that grips my attention as some sort of compass towards the healing this world desperately needs. We are so disconnected, shrouded in our bubbles of productivity and individuality. How often do we actually take the time to feel the truth of the connection that ties us to the rest of the world?

I’m not talking about just being social. It’s not as simple as that. We can be in the midst of a raging party and still be disconnected. Yes, we need to celebrate community more fully, but as a massive introvert, I’m a big believer in solitude as well. What I’m talking about is connection to the moments of our life. A commitment to show up fully, with presence and the porousness required to actually feel the moment we are in.

I get it. To feel fully, profoundly, is so. fucking. hard. Especially today. As I read news of another police shooting, as I watch Dreamers live in fear that their right to exist in this country might be stripped, as I look into my daughter’s eyes with the echo of a recent article I read about the increasing pace of climate change ringing in my head, I’d like to run from my feelings. I’d like to hide my head in pretty much any metaphorical “sand” that might numb me to the harsher aspects of today’s world.

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But here’s the thing. The fact that I can choose whether or not to feel these truths means that I live in a position of profound luxury. For those impacted directly, that choice does not exist. And yet, the fact that I am not impacted directly doesn’t mean I’m not connected to the system that causes those horrible truths in the first place. Through feeling, I wake up to my role and the choices I have surrounding that role.

I believe we have to feel, we must feel, and that in this feeling lies our salvation. If I did not experience a wildly complex mix of love, grief and fear when I hold my daughter and think about climate change, I wouldn’t have any desire to try to find solutions, to seek to make a positive difference. I’m not advocating that we allow ourselves to be completely overwhelmed by feeling. I understand that balance is so important, that we must have the capacity to hold our feelings. But the balance generally seems to be tipped in the favor of less feeling these days.

My hope is this: that as we journey through the upcoming threshold, we might all shed the husks that shield us from feeling. May we set aside any worry that feelings might make others uncomfortable. May we reclaim emotion as a powerful tool for positive connection and change. May we care and care deeply, emboldened by the knowledge that it takes tremendous courage to care and that within caring lies a promise, yes of pain, but also of a sure path to meaning.

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